


With an English Accent

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robin Hood, Chastity Device, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:51:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11771049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Here's your knife.""Sword.""Whatever."





	With an English Accent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [littleblackfox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleblackfox/gifts).



> A late birthday present for my ma!

A song drifted slowly around the room as it played from the small radio sat on the windowsill. The windows were open, and the old lace curtains blew with a light breeze that was welcomed by both Steve and Bucky. Bees buzzed around the flowers kept on the windowsill and all over the living room, and as the song faded out and Steve shut the radio off, theme music filled the room in its absence, as archers launched fiery arrows across the screen.

“My house is on fire! Call the fire brigade!” An old woman ran screaming out of her house, which was soon engulfed in flames.

“They always set fire to our village whenever there’s a new Robin Hood movie. There’s got to be a better way to do the credits.”

It wasn't long after the credits that Bucky fell asleep.

\---

In Sherwood Forest, a small band of Merry Men sang a rap about Steve Rogers.

“King Alexander and the Sheriff, they was runnin’ the show. Risin’ the taxes ‘cause they needed the dough. A reign of terror took over the land. They were shakin’ down the people just to beat the band. The people were unhappy. Morale was low. They had no place to turn to, there was nowhere to go. They needed a hero, but no one could be found. ‘Cause Steve Rogers was outta town. He was put into the slammer by his Arab foe, and in a little while he would be no more.”

Steve himself was being thrown into a Jerusalem prison. After having his tongue “loosened” by the prison guard, he was chained next to another man.

“So what are you in for?” Steve scratched at his beard and leaned back against the stone wall.

“Jaywalking.” The man sat to Steve’s right replied. “But, I know how to get out. Give me your feet.”

Steve placed his feet on the bar before him.

“Now, on the count of kick. Kick.”

The two of them pushed the bar back with their feet, then slipped out of their chains, helping the other prisoners to escape through a large grating.

“Thank you, my friend.” Steve shook hands with his fellow ex-prisoner. “What is your name?”

“I am Gabriel. You must promise me something when you return to England, my friend. Look after my son Samuel.” Gabriel handed Steve a well-worn photograph. “He’s studying in England. I don’t want him to get into any trouble.”

Steve folded the photo and pocketed it. “I’ll look out for him, my friend.”

“Now you must go, or you will miss the tide.”

Steve waved as he walked to the ocean, and walked into the surf until he could dive in. Gabe stayed on the beach, waving him off.

\---

It took a lot of swimming, but eventually Steve reached the shores of England, as _Rule Britannia!_ played in the background.

“Oh, England! I thought I’d never be here again!” He fell to his knees, never-minding the sand that was now stuck to his still-wet body. He kissed the ground, then rose to his knees and wiped the sand from his mouth. Now, onto Loxley. But first, Steve needed a horse. Luckily, there was a Rent-a-Steed place closeby, and Steve was able to get a horse there. He was halfway to Loxley when he came upon a group of knights beating someone up. Steve took out the photo of Samuel that Gabe had given him and unfolded it, comparing it to the muggee before him.

“Yep, that’s him alright.”

Steve dismounted, tied his horse to a tree, and strode over to the muggers. “You there! Stop beating that poor man!”

To Steve’s surprise, the knights did stop, only to look at him before returning to beating Samuel, who soon gained the upper hand and managed to beat off two of the knights before Steve got one in a chokehold.

“Watch my back.” He told Samuel, who watched as one of the knights punched Steve in the back.

“Your back just got hit twice.”

Steve couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his voice. “Yes, thank you.”

Just as the odds were looking in their favor, the six knights surrounded the pair. “Do you, by any chance, know ‘Praying Mantis’?” Steve asked, putting his hands into position.

“You kidding? That’s the only martial art I know.” Samuel put his hands into position.

Then, both men attacked, with a “Wah!” and a few “Hi-ya!”’s thrown in for good measure. They managed to send five of the knights scrambling for their horses, shouting “They’re mad!”, “They’re insane!”, “They’re mental!”, as they rode off. A sixth knight laughed after the pair. “You haven’t seen the last of us!”

Steve drew his bow and reached for a bundle of arrows from his quiver. When he letting the arrows drop, it was relieved that there were six arrows, all attached with a string. Steve drew back his bow and fired, the arrows loosing themselves and pinning the final knight to a tree. The knight, terrified for his life, squeaked, “Alright, you’ve seen the last of us,” leaving Steve and Samuel to mount Steve’s horse and ride off to Loxley.

“And there she is, Loxley Hall. Been in my family for seven generations.”

To Steve’s great surprise, the hall began to move as if on wheels. Both men dismounted and Steve tromped over to a man stood in front of the now-moving hall.

“You there! I demand to know what’s going on here!”

The man gave Steve a scroll of parchment. “Read it and weep.”

Steve ripped the ribbon from the roll and unfurled the parchment, reading aloud. “Hear ye, hear ye. For failure to pay back taxes, the possessions and land of the family Loxley are to be reclaimed. By royal decree of His Majesty, King Alexander.” Steve rolled the scroll back up and watched as the man laughed and yelled at the movers to move faster. What had been Steve’s childhood home, and his rightful inheritance, was now nothing more than a bare foundation. There was only one person left, a man sat on a toilet.

“Matthew!”

“Who’s that?” Samuel asked, stood next to Steve.

“That’s Matthew, my family’s loyal blind servant. Matthew!” Steve called, walking around the foundation.

“Coming!” Matthew called, standing and pulling his pants up, then feeling around himself for the belt that was slung over one shoulder.

“Matthew!”

“Master Steven, is that you?”

“Yes!”

“You’re back from the Crusades?!” Matthew belted his overtunic and turned around.

“Yes!”

“And you’re alive!”

Steve sighed. “Yes.” He didn’t have the energy to explain to Matthew that being back from the Crusades implied that he was, in fact, alive.

“Oh Master Steven, how I’ve missed you!” Matthew lunged toward an armless statue of a woman, screaming and recoiling in horror when he felt the statue. “Oh, Master Steven! You’ve lost your arms in battle!” He felt the statue some more. “But you grew some nice tits.”

“Matthew, I’m over here. Follow the sound of my voice.”

Matthew did just that, and stood in front of Steve.

“Matthew, listen to me. The castle has been taken!”

“This never would have happened if your father were alive.”

“He’s dead?”

“Why, yes.”

“And my mother?”

“She died of pneumonia while…oh, you were away.”

Steve wanted—nay, needed—to sit, but he knew there was no time. “Matthew, come with me. You and Samuel and I will go reclaim my family’s lands and overthrow that tyrant King Alexander.”

“Wait! Before he died, your father gave me this.” Matthew produced a box worn on a leather cord from around his neck. “He said it holds “the greatest treasure in all the land,” and that I was to give it to you, should you return.”

“Very well, Matthew. If you’ll give it to me.” Steve reached out a hand and held the box.

“Might I hold on to it, sir?”

“No, I think I should honor my father’s last wishes, Matthew.”

With some reluctance, Matthew let Steve take the box and place it around his own neck.

Steve, Samuel, and Matthew were about to venture into the nearby woods, when a young boy came screaming from that very location. “The Sheriff of Rottingham is coming!” The boy ran in the opposite direction, screaming all the while.

A group of mounted knights burst from the woods, the Sheriff of Rottingham among them.

“And who, might I ask, are you?” The Sheriff demanded, looking down on Steve.

“I am Steven of Loxley.”

“Oh yes, I’ve heard you’re quite good with a sword. Well, let’s find out!” Unfortunately for the Sheriff, his sword broke at the hilt when he tried to draw it from his scabbard.

Steve drew his sword and cut one of the Sheriff’s stirrups, sending the man falling to his horse’s belly.

“I’ll pay for this!”

Samuel nodded, smiling at the man’s stupidity.

“Safe journey. Mind the big rocks.” Steve sent the Sheriff and his entourage away, the Sheriff whining as his head hit the ground with every step his horse took.

The trio were well on their into the forest when they came to a river, and a bridge over said river. A huge man stood on the bridge, long blond hair braided out of his face, muscular arms crossed over his chest.

“Stop!” He called out.

The trio stopped.

“Who are you?” Steve called out, adjusting his feathered cap on his head.

“I am Thor. And I cannot let you cross this bridge without first paying the toll.”

“But this river is on my family’s land. Or, it was my family’s land, before King Alexander took it. My fellow compatriots and I are on a quest to put an end to Alexander’s tyranny. Will you join us?”

“Verily. May I bring a companion of my own?”

“Of course.”

Thor tromped off into the woods, and came back leading a man out of the underbrush and trees.

“This is Clint. He’s one of the best archers in the land.”

Steve strode up to the pair, crossing the bridge with Samuel and Matthew. “Clint, I’m Steve. With me are Samuel and Matthew.” He gestured to each man in turn. “Welcome to our band of men.”

So three turned to five, and they continued on their way to the royal castle, where they would seek an audience with the usurper king and demand Steve’s familial lands back. Unbeknownst to any of the band however, was that the castle held more than a tyrant king and a rotten sheriff.

\---

In the upper rooms of the castle, sat in a morning bath, was the handsome Lord James. He sat in the warm water, singing a troubadour's song of love. Natalia, his lady-in-waiting, came into the room just as her master finished his song.

“Come on, get out of there. The water will turn cold and you’re skin will get all wrinkly, like a prune.”

“All right Natalia.” He grabbed a towel she handed him and rose out of the tub, wrapping the fluffy white cloth around his waist, hiding the chastity belt from view. Natalia helped him into a robe of soft white silk, and lead him further into his chambers to ready him for the king’s party that night.

James went down to the court when the party was well underway, wearing a light green and gold ensemble. As he walked to the king’s table, courtiers and nobles bowed to him, calling him ‘my lord’. When he reached the king’s table, he saw the Sheriff of Rottingham leering at him, taking his hand and “helping” him to his seat.

“Well, I must say, King Alexander has spared no expense in putting together tonight’s party. We have exotic foods from across the seas; coconuts, bananas, and dates.”

Steve kicked open the heavy doors to the court, squishing the guards stood posted inside. He strode into the court, bearing a dead pig on his back. “Good evening.”

“That’s him! That’s Loxley! The man I told you about! The one who humiliated me in front of my own men!” Rottingham whispered to the usurping king.

Steve approached the king’s table. The guards managed to push the doors shut before they slumped to the ground, unable to stand.

“Greetings, Your Majesty.” Steve slammed the catch in front of the king, on top of much of the food. “A present for you and your guests.”

“That’s a wild boar!” Rottingham exclaimed.

“No no, that’s a wild _pig_.” Steve pointed at the pig. “ _That’s_ ,” he pointed to Alexander, “a wild boar.”

The king only said, “So, you are Steven of Loxley.”

Steve bowed.

“Oh, I’ve heard so much about you.”

“And you are—?” Steve asked as he moved to the end of the table, just before James.

“Lord James.”

“Ah, Lord James. Tales of your good looks and brave deeds have traveled far and wide, but I see that they hardly do you justice.”

Rottingham intervened. “Do you not know that it is illegal to kill a pig in the king’s forest?” He demanded.

“Isn’t it also illegal to sit on the king’s throne and usurp his power in his absence?” Steve popped a grape into his mouth.

Gasps and cries went up from among the court, James and Rottingham among them.

“Watch yourself Steven. You go too far.” The king warned in sickly sweet voice.

“I’m just getting started. I’ve come to warn you that if you do not stop levying these evil taxes, I shall lead the good people of England in a revolt against you.”

“And why should the people listen to you?”

“Because I will inspire them.”

The king looked at Rottingham, who swaggered around the table. “I shall dispose of this feathered upstart, Your Majesty.”

Steve took a goblet of wine from the table and drank it.

“I challenge you…to a duel!” Rottingham took one of his gloves and smacked Steve with it.

More gasps went up from the court. Steve blinked, and spying an iron gauntlet laying on the table, seized it and smacked Rottingham with it before throwing it back down on the table. “I accept.”

The Sheriff was on his knees, a hand flying to his face. Once he had regained his composure, he stood. “So, it’s come down to this: a fight to the death, man to man. Just you, and me, and my—Guards!” The cowardly Sheriff ran away.

At that point, the court doors opened again, and Thor, Clint, Matthew, and Samuel burst into the room, wielding all sorts of weapons; swords, knives, and a bow and a quiverful of arrows. The four of them dispatched the guards, with Matthew viciously attacking a wooden support beam, and when backup was called for, Steve swung from a rope and knocked all of the heavily-armored knights down like dominoes.

“Thor, can you get the door?”

“I shall give it my best effort.” Thor stood with his back to the doors and lifted the heavy beam up.

“I’m terribly sorry, I wish we could stay. But we just be off, so,” Steve and the others ducked, with Samuel pulling Matthew down with him as Thor launched the beam at the remaining guards. They escaped to Sherwood Forest, but not before Steve blew a kiss to James, which Natalia caught in her hand.

“I asked all the villages to give us their best men, and this is what we got?!” Samuel shook his head at the ragtag group of men before them.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” Steve raised his voice as he began addressing the men. “Friends, Englishmen, countrymen, lend me your ears. Men the likes of King Alexander and Rottingham must be stopped. Stopped from taxing us into poverty. Stopped from taking from us what is rightfully ours. We will rise up against them. We’ll fight for our land and our money back.”

Every sentence was met with cheers from the men.

“Are you with me, yea or nay?!”

“Well, which one means ‘yes’?” One of the men asked.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Yea.”

“Yea!” The men all shouted and cheered.

\---

The Merry Men were in Sherwood Forest by early the next morning. The new recruits were lined up before a series of tables, with Steve at the front, a checklist in hand.

“Grab your uniforms and we will begin the training sequence.”

“Alright gentlemen, grab your feathered caps, jerkins, bodkins, boots, swords, quivers, and…pantyhose.” Matthew told the men. At the end of the tables stood Samuel, cracking open large, plastic, egg-like containers to reveal dark green tights, a pair of which every man received.

“Now men, the goal here is hit the target.” Steve drew back an arrow on his bowstring and aimed, loosing the arrow and hitting the center of the painted bullseye.

The assembled group of men shrugged, that looked simple enough. But when they went to shoot, everything went awry. One man managed to shoot his arrow backwards, another had his bow snap, a third had his bow bend backwards, and one man tried to launch the arrow forward with his hand.

Unfortunately for Steve, the next training exercise was even less of a success. He had six of the recruits mounted, holding long branches in place of jousting lances. On the opposite end of the field were stood seven mounted dummies, with huge soup cans for heads. Clint was also mounted and carried a branch. Steve, Samuel, Thor, and Matthew stood in a hay-filled wagon, with Matthew sat on the edge.

“Alright men, just watch what Clint does, and copy him. Clint, when you’re ready.”

Clint gave a whoop and tore off down the field, knocking a dummy down and decapitating it. He circled around and rode up to the wagon.

“Good boy Clint.” Steve fed him a bit of bacon.

The recruits charged down the field, branches raised, and were knocked down by the dummies.

“Ow. Steve, why do you just take the dummies into battle?” Samuel asked, still confounded by how so many people could be so inept.

“Ha!” Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea…

\---

“You don’t like the way you’re walking! You’ve been into the sacramental wine again! You’re _farshnickert_!” Erik steered the mule forward. “You drunken mule.” Erik saw a boulder up ahead and pulled on the reins. “Woah, boy.”

Steve was stood on the boulder, surrounded by his Merry Men. “Halt, friend.”

Erik took one look at the men stood before him. “ _Fageles_?” He asked, shaking a hand.

“Oh no, we’re straight.” Steve looked down at the men. “Well, some of them are.”

“And who might you be, standing on the big rock?”

“I am Steven of Loxley.” Steve bowed as he spoke.

“Steven of Loxley? I’ve just come from Lord James, the man who’s heart you stole.”

Steve jumped down from the boulder as Erik continued talking.

“I knew his mother and father before they were taken in the plague. Lord and Lady Bagelle. You know you were meant for each other, you and Lord James. What a combination. Loxley and Bagelle. You can’t miss.”

The Merry Men surrounded Steve again. They seemed to have a habit of doing that. “And who are you, sir?” Steve asked the man.

“I am Rabbi Lehnsherr, purveyor of sacramental wine, and _mohel_ extraordinaire.”

“Hello Rabbi.” The Merry Men all greeted the teacher.

“Hello boys.”

“ _Mohel_. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that profession.” Steve commented.

“ _Mohel_ , he’s a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.”

“What, pray tell sir, is a circumcision?” Clint asked, leaning on his longbow next to Thor.

“Oh, it’s the latest rage. The ladies love it.”

The men all got very excited; Thor ordered two, and Samuel, Clint, and Matthew all wanted one.

“How is it done?” Steve asked. Better to know what you’re getting into first.

“It’s easy. I take my little machine,” Erik pulled a small guillotine from a sack at his feet, “I take your little thing,” he took a thin, long carrot from the sack, “I put it here, and, “ he pressed a small lever on the side of the guillotine, “nip the tip!” The carrot tip went flying, nearly Clint in the eye.

“Ow!” A hand went flying to his eye. “I’m already deaf, I don’t need to be blind too!”

“Hey! I heard that!” Matthew looked in the direction opposite Clint.

“Sorry Matt.”

“He didn’t mean it.” Samuel draped an arm around Matthew’s shoulders.

“On second thought, I’m good.” Clint shook his head.

“Yeah, I already have one.” Samuel told the teacher.

Matthew put his hand in the air. “Question.” Samuel lowered Matthew’s hand.

“Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. You will join us and share some of your wisdom, some of your counsel, perhaps, and some of your wine?” Steve asked. The men snickered at that, they all wanted a taste of the rabbi’s wine.

“Well, wisdom and counsel, those two are easy. But this is sacramental wine, it’s only used to blessed things.”

There was a general grumble of understanding among the men, they seemed disappointed that they couldn’t have any of their newest member’s wine.

“Wait a minute. There’s things here that could be blessed. Trees and rocks, birds and squirrels. Come on! We’ll bless them all until they get _farshnickert_!”

The men all cheered.

“Let’s hear it for the rabbi!” Steve shouted, and the men all cheered again as they were lead to the wagon and unloaded the barrels of wine.

\---

Back at the castle, an evil plot was being hatched.

“So we’ll kill him then.” Rottingham said.

“Not us, that’s too risky. He has to die, that much is certain. But how?” Alexander looked out the library window.

“I’ve got it! Assassins! I know an Italian who owes me a favor. He’s got an assassin I’m sure he’ll let me borrow.”

“That’s good, that’s very good. But how can we get Loxley here?”

“It’s simple, my liege. We hold an archery contest at the fair tomorrow. It’s a well-known fact that Loxley cannot refuse a challenge, especially not one related to such a sport as archery.”

The usurping king and the Sheriff laughed, and up on a balcony just outside the library window, James rushed back into his chambers and clapped the candlelights on as he ran to Natalia’s bed.

“Natalia! Natalia, wake up! There’s a foul plot afoot. King Alexander and the Sheriff have hired a man to kill Steven! We must warn him immediately.” He turned to leave, but Natalia grabbed his arm.

“Wait, _moy_ lord! If King Alexander should see us…”

“You’re right. We’ll go out the back!”

“Right!”

James pulled a cloak over himself and went out onto the balcony, calling in a singsong voice, “Captain.”

A grey horse walked just under the balcony, and James climbed into the ledge, scooted to the end, and fell down, landing in the padded saddle with a heavy _thunk_ and a groan of pain. He would be lucky if he could feel his balls in the morning…if he still even _had_ his balls in the morning. He took up the reins and turned his head so Natalia could hear him.

“Natalia, I’m going on ahead. Catch me up!” He turned back to his horse, clicking his tongue softly. “Come on Captain.”

As her master rode away, Natalia called down, “Feofan!”, and a stocky little pony walked under the balcony. Natalia picked up her skirts and stood on the ledge of the balcony, then fell down, landing on her pony with a _thud_. She spurred him onward, following her master.

\---

Deep in Sherwood Forest, Matthew stood on a lookout post, turning his head left, then right. He heard someone approaching on horseback, and put a hand up to his ear.

Steve looked up at Matthew and rolled his eyes. “Matthew, what are you _doing_ up there?”

“Guessing? I,” Matthew listened a bit harder, “ _guess_ no one’s coming.”

Steve had to control his anger to keep from rolling his eyes. Whoever thought it was a good idea to put the blind man on lookout…He sighed. “ _Please_ come down from there.” He put the reins in both hands and rode off.

“Well, I guess there’s ladder around here somewhere—” Matthew felt around, “Oh. Here we are. Right.” He made to climb down the ladder, his hands always grabbing the thing to make sure he knew where it was. However, as he got out of the post, he knocked the ladder to the ground and fell with it. As he picked himself up and brushed himself off, he was hit with a realization.

“I can see!” He exclaimed, then immediately walked into a tree. Removing himself from the bark, he corrected, “No, I was wrong.” Matthew replaced his feathered cap and went into the night, humming as he felt his way in the dark. It just so happened that he stumbled upon the other Merry Men singing about wearing tights, and managed to punch both Clint and Thor in the face.

After that song, James and Natalia rode into the camp.

“James.” Steve greeted him, helping him dismount.

Thor bounded up to Natalia. “Here, allow me.” He held out his arms for her.

“Oh, thank you.” Natalia shifted and allowed Thor to pick her up, but the angle was awkward, and he ended falling, with Natalia landing on top of him. “You’re so sweet. Is there _anything_ I can do for you?”

“Yes,” Thor said, his voice shaking, “you can get off of me.”

Samuel, Matthew, and Clint all laughed.

“Oh!” Natalia dropped Thor’s head and picked herself up.

“Thor!” Steve scolded.

Thor picked his head up. “I panicked!” He defended himself.

Matthew continued to cackle as Samuel gave him the ‘finger of shame’ and Clint helped him up.

“Darling, what are you doing here?”

“I came to warn you. King Alexander and Rottingham have hired a man to kill you at the fair tomorrow. Promise you won’t go.”

“Well, that’s easy, I won’t.” Steve laughed.

“Oh, I’m so happy. They were going to try to lure you there with an archery contest.”

The couple moved in for a kiss.

“An _archery_ contest?” Steve pulled back, scratching at his beard.

“Their archer is unbeatable.”

“ _Really_?”

“Steven, promise me you won’t go!”

“Alright, I promise me you won’t go.”

“Oh, that’s…wait—”

“Wait, Steve you said—” Samuel began.

“Cool it.” Steve interrupted.

“Chilled.” Samuel raised his hands in defeat.

“Come with me.” Steve lead James deeper into the forest.

Once they were gone, Natalia noticed Clint, who seemed to notice her too.

“Oh my darling, I’m ready for that kiss now.” Steve leaned in for a kiss, and was met with a finger in his lips,

“But first, I must warn you, that it can only be a kiss. For I am a virgin, and could never go all the way.”

“But—”

“Unless of course, I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.”

“Yes—” Steve couldn’t get a word in.

“Or if I knew he desperately cared for me, or if he were really cute.” James shivered as he spoke, the wind blowing chill around them.

“But my darling, you’re shivering. What are you wearing underneath that cloak?”

“Practically nothing.”

Steve moved closer to James, and was hit by something very painful. He recoiled in pain, his hands flying to his crotch.

“Oh, except for that. I forgot to tell you about my chastity belt.”

“Hm.” Steve tried to forget about the pain.

“Oh, darling, don’t despair. For it is written on a scroll: “One day, he who is destined for me shall be endowed with the magical key that will bring an end to my...virginity”.

“Oh James, if only ‘twere me.”

“If ‘twere you, I would be overjoyed.”

The couple moved in for a kiss.

“Uh-uh. No ding-ding without the wedding ring.”

Steve and James turned to see Natalia frowning at them while sat on Feofan, Captain by her side. Steve watched as James left his side and mounted Captain, leading Natalia from the camp.

“Goodbye, my dearest!” Steve called after him.

\---

The next day, Thor, Samuel, Clint and Matthew headed for the fair in disguise.

“Alright, time out! Time out!” Samuel called, nearly tripping over his feet for the third time that afternoon.

“What’s wrong?” Clint asked.

“I should have never worn these shoes. They just don’t match my purse.” Samuel complained, only to be elbowed by Thor.

Clint turned to Matthew. “Matthew, fix your tits.”

“What?”

“You look like a bleedin’ Picasso.”

Matthew felt around his chest. The sacks that he filled and slung around his neck had shifted to the left, creating a unitit. “Oh. Goodness gracious.” He began punching the bag back into place as the four men continued walking towards the entrance to the fair.

A trumpet fanfare played, and an announcer spoke in a voice that carried across the field and makeshift stadium.

“The royal archery contest is about to begin! Archers, take your places!”

The crowd cheered for the contestants.

The usurping king leaned in to the Sheriff. “Are we prepared?”

The Sheriff pointed to a tower that stood across from the archery field, where a man stood with a small black crossbow, loaded and ready.

“Oh, he’s good.”

“I told you.”

“Archers, to the line!” The announcer yelled.

The crowd cheered as another fanfare played and the archers stepped up to the line.

“Ready. Aim.”

The archers drew their arrows tight on their bowstrings.

“Wait for it. Fire!”

Of the eight archers assembled there, only two of them hit the bullseye.

“The two archers that hit the bullseye can stay. The rest of you gentlemen, can bugger off!”

Six of the archers went away, muttering and grumbling. The Sheriff sat up in his seat.

“There he is. The old man is Loxley.”

“Are you sure?” The usurping king asked.

“The old man may go first.” The announcer said.

The old man notched an arrow on the bowstring, raised his bow, drew the arrow back, aimed, and fired, right into the center of the bullseye.

The Sheriff stood. “Well done, Steven of Loxley.”

The old man reached up and removed his moustache, wig, and hat, revealing that he was, in fact, Steven of Loxley. The crowd whooped as he disrobed, revealing his more well-known hunting attire.

Outside the fair, Thor could hear the noise. “He is mad, and must be stopped.” He went with the others around the back entrance to the fair.

“Look what you’ve done! Now he’s even more of a hero to the people.” Alexander whispered to the Sheriff.

“The other archer still has a chance.”

“But he hit the very center of the target.”

“Just wait and watch, sire.”

The other archer split Steve’s arrow in two with his own.

Thor heard the booing of the crowd and knew something was wrong. “Steven is in trouble. We must help him!” He pushed the guards out of the way and marched onto the fairgrounds, Clint, Samuel, and Matthew behind him.

“I lost. I lost? Wait a minute, I’m not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.” Steve pulled a script out and flipped through it, just as Thor and the others found him.

“Yo Steve man, time to fly.” Samuel said, grabbing into Steve to steady himself.  
The crowd began to pelt Steve and his men with lettuce.

“Oh good. They’ve opened the salad bar.” Matthew said, smelling all the lettuce in the air.

“Wait!” Steve exclaimed, his eyes going very wide. “I get another shot!” He closed the script as Thor hugged him from behind.

“He gets another shot!” Samuel told Clint excitedly.

“Does Steven get another shot?” James asked Natalia.

Alexander and the Sheriff both pulled out their own copies of the script and began flipping through them. “Yes, he does. He does.” They agreed. Then the king leaned into the Sheriff. “Quick! Eliminate him before he shoots.” The Sheriff made a motion at the tower window, and the assassin shot, but just before the arrow could hit Steve between the eyes, Matthew caught it.

“How did you do that?” Samuel asked as Matthew lowered his arm.

“I heard it coming a mile away.”

“Very good Matthew. Well done.”

“What? Who’s talking?” Matthew turned around, nearly tripping on the hem of the dress he wore.

“‘Patriot arrow’?” Samuel read the name printed on the side of Steve’s arrow aloud.

Steve was about to fire the arrow, when the opposing archer knocked his bow against Steve’s knee, and Steve shot up into the air. The arrow flew of it’s own accord, flying under the stands and causing people to do the wave in order to avoid it. It eventually flew into the target, puncturing it from behind and blowing both arrows up.

As the crowd cheered, Rottingham stood. “Arrest him!” He shouted.

A group of guards pushed the Merry Men out of the way to get to Steve, leaving Matthew confused and scrambling to find a Merry Man to hold onto.

“Loxley is a traitor to the crown!” Rottingham roared as he marched up to Steve. “It’ll be so much fun to watch you hang.”

Thor grabbed Samuel, who grabbed Clint, who got a hold on one of Matthew’s sleeves and pulled him away.

“Wait.” James rose from his seat in the king’s box.

Rottingham and Steve both turned around. “What for?” The Sheriff asked, walking back to the front of the box.

“I you promise not to kill Steven, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.”

“Oh, and what’s that?” Rottingham now stood before James.

“I shall marry you.”

“What?! You’ll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?”

“Yes. But only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul.”

“Oh yes, I respect that.” Rottingham walked back to the guards.

Steve yelled, “James, my life’s not worth it! Just say nay!”

James shook his head.

“Ha! Walk this way.” Rottingham swaggered away, and Steve followed him, with the guards bringing up the rear.

James sighed. What had he gotten himself into?

The usurping king stood. “Send word to everyone that before the day is out, we shall have a wedding…or a hanging. It doesn’t matter either way.”

The crowd cheered again.

“Man, we are grossly outnumbered.” Samuel said.

“Indeed. But what can be done?” Thor asked.

“We gotta get the villagers.” Samuel replied.

“The _villagers_? They’re not ready to fight, you saw them at training.” Clint said.

“We have no choice! Hey Matthew, what’s the fastest way to reach the villagers?” Samuel adjusted his horn-like hat.

“Why don’t we fox them?” Matthew suggested.

“Fox ‘em.” Samuel repeated, smiling.

“Fox ‘em.” Clint said.

“Fox ‘em!” Thor tromped off, followed by Clint, and Matthew just managed to grab hold of Samuel’s dress before the man walked off after the other two.

A fanfare played as a man took a little black fox from a pen marked '12th century fox'. The fox bore a container on its back, into which the message was put.

“Now Mickey, take this message to the village as fast as you can. Pay attention. Have you got it?”

The fox whimpered.

“Good.” The man nodded to the man holding the fox, who set the fox down. The fox chittered like a dolphin as it sped off.

“Come on y’all. Let’s get out of this ladies’ clothing and get into our tights.” Samuel was the first to rip off his dress and hat, and was followed by the others.

Meanwhile, Steve was being fitted for a noose. By the time of the wedding, James was being given away by the king, who lowered the portcullis by means of a car key. When James saw Steve stood on the gallows he gasped and cried, “What’s going on?”

“Just in case you change your mind, my dear.” Rottingham grabbed James’ hand.

“I will conduct the opening prayer in the New Latin.” The Abbot tapped the Bible he carried, cracking it open and beginning the prayer. “O Ord-lay, iveus-gay or-yay essings-blay. Amen-ay.” The last word was sung, and the crowd and Rottingham sang it back. “We are gathered here today, to witness the marriage of Tony, the Sheriff of— Tony? Your name is Tony?”

The crowd snickered, and even the king laughed.

“Shut up! Shut up! Continue with the service!”

“Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Lord James of Bagelle to be your lawful wedded husband, to love and to hold in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?”

“Yes I do! Now get on with it!”

“And do you James vow to do all the stuff I just said to him?”

Rottingham leaned into James. “Say ‘I do’ or Steven dies.”

“I—I—I—I—”

The Merry Men appeared, and Samuel shot the noose down from the gallows.

“I do—” James saw what Samuel did, and quickly finished. “—not!”

“Who’s the man? Who’s the man? Let’s go!” Samuel lead the charge, with the villagers coming as backup not a moment too soon.

“Nice shooting Samuel.” Steve complimented him as he climbed up the gallows.

“To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the hangman.”

Steve rolled his eyes, then saw that Thor, Clint, and Matthew would be joining them on the gallows, because a group of guards was chasing them. “On the count of jump. Wait for it. Jump!”

They all jumped up and lifted themselves on the gallows, and the guards fell behind them. They let themselves drop down and had a group high-five, expect for Matthew, who ended up diving onto the ground below. Clint helped him up.

“I’ll have you, married or not!” Rottingham declared, picking James up and wrapping him in the altar cloth before throwing him over his shoulder and running off with him.

“Dude, Rottingham’s got your man, man.” Samuel warned Steve, watching the Sheriff carry James into a tower. “He’s taking him to the tower. He’s going to deflower him in the tower! Ew.”

Steve bolted from the gallows, up the nearest tower. “I’m coming to save you, my love! Worry not!”

Up in the tower, Rottingham had thrown James onto the bed, altar cloth and all. He had thrown off his over-doublet and slammed the door shut, leaning back against it.

”I’m sorry there’s no time for romance, my dear.” He ran to the bed, leaping into the air and landing on top of James with a yell. “Consider this foreplay.” He grabbed James’ doublet, tearing it down to his hose, which were also torn. Rottingham stopped when he saw— “A chastity belt?! Oh, that’s going to hurt my dick. I’ll be back.” He got up off the bed and left James laying there, dumbfounded.

“I hope he’s still wearing his iron underwear.” Clint remarked to Thor, who agreed.

Back up in the tower, Rottingham was going at James’ chastity belt with a jackhammer.

“No matter what you do, I will never submi-i-i-i-it!” James was defiant, even as his voice and body shook with the force of the jackhammer which mercilessly pounded at his hips in an attempt to break his chastity belt.

The door flew open, taking the lock with it, and Steve came to stand in the doorway. “Aha!”

“Ste-e-e-v-e-n!” James cried, still bouncing with the jackhammer’s movements.

Steve drew his sword. “Prepare for the fight scene.”

Rottingham dropped the jackhammer and fell on the bed to retrieve his sword. “Forgive the interruption, my darling.” He unsheathed his sword. “I’ll dispatch your love, and then come back and…finish the job.” He got off the bed and lunged at Steve, who moved out of the way.

“En garde!” Rottingham yelled as he lunged at Steve again.

Steve blocked him. “Thanks for the warning.”

They fought, Rottingham taking the offense, Steve the defense.

“Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, good.”

Eventually, Steve beat Rottingham back, but not before Rottingham cut the leather cord around Steve’s neck, sending the box flying to the timbered roof, where it broke in a shower of glitter. A key flew out, flying through the air and landing in the lock on James’ chastity belt.

“It _is_ the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!” Steve exclaimed, turning to James.

“Oh Steven—look out!”

Rottingham came up behind Steve, intent on stabbing him, but Steve unknowingly plunged his sword through Rottingham, spearing him from one end to the other.

“Oh. It’s not so bad.” Rottingham said, before he turned and saw the rest of the sword sticking out of him. “Then again, maybe not.” He fell to the floor, dead.

“Oh darling.” Steve was at the bed in a flash, hand on the key.

Natalia appeared in the doorway. “No!”

Steve rolled his eyes and dropped his hand away from James’ legs.

“Wait, wait, you’re not married yet.” She rushed to the bed, as Steve looked at her incredulously and James rolled his eyes. “Before you do it, you must go through it. Or else I blew it.”

Steve looked at James. James looked at Steve. They looked at each other and shrugged, re-dressed and ran down to the altar outside.

“Hey Rabbi!” Steve called.

The rabbi poked his head out of a tent, on which was a sign that read ‘Rabbi Lehnsherr, Circumcisions, Special Offer - Half Off!’. “Who calls?”

“It is I, Steven. We wished to get married, in a hurry.”

“Married in a hurry? That’s wonderful! I’m on my last customer, I’ll be right out.”

The rabbi disappeared into the tent, and there was a chopping sound and a man screamed as the rabbi exited the tent. “Put a little ice on it, it’ll be fine.” He made his way to the altar. “Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please, invite me to the bris. Now, are you ready?”

Steve and James nodded.

“Steven, do you?”

“I do.”

“James, do you?”

“I do.”

“I now pronounce you man and—”

“I object!”

The rabbi turned from the altar, and Steve and James turned from each other. “Who asked?!” The rabbi demanded.

“It’s King Xavier, back from the Crusades!” Clint exclaimed, as the villagers and townspeople cheered.

The King marched up to Alexander, taking the crown from his head. “You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority!” He took off his helmet, throwing it to Matthew, who caught it, and placed the crown on his own head.

“Oh, please have mercy on me. It wasn’t my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.” The usurping king told Xavier.

“Bullshit! Bullshit!” The Merry Men and villagers coughed.

“Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London. Make him part of the tour.” The King ordered, as two Merry Men dragged a screaming Alexander away. The King then turned to Steven.

“Steven, the news of your great deeds has reached me even in Jerusalem. England owes you and your men a great debt of gratitude. Henceforth, all your family’s rights and lands shall be returned, and you shall rule all Sherwood from this day forth.” Xavier drew his sword. “Kneel, Steven of Loxley.”

Steve removed his feathered cap and knelt, bowing his head. He felt the king tap his shoulders once with his sword.

“And arise, Sir Steven of Loxley.”

Steve rose, replaced his cap, as the Merry Men and villagers cheered. “Thank you, sire.”

“Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Lord James?” Erik interjected.

“I have no objections, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom and my royal right.” The King handed Erik his sword. “Hold this, Father.”

“Rabbi.”

“Whatever.” The King took James’ hand and kissed him, dipping him as he did so.

“It’s good to be the king.” Erik remarked just before Xavier righted himself and James.

When he was finished, the King released James and turned to Erik.“Now you may marry them.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty. Here’s your knife.”

The King took his sword back. “Sword.”

“Whatever.” The rabbi returned to the altar, where Steve and James stood once more. “Now, where did we leave off? Oh, yes, that’s right. Do you, James?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Steven?”

“I do.”

“I now pronounce you man and…” The rabbi looked at the King, who winked at him. “Man!”

The crowd cheered, and Steve and James kissed again, as Natalia cried and Clint comforted her. When the kiss was broken, Steve raised a hand for silence.

“For my first order of business, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of Rottingham. My friend, Samuel.” Steve drew his sword and gave it to Samuel as he ascended to the altar.

“All right!” Samuel took the sword.

“A black sheriff?!” The crowd was shocked.

“He’s black?!” Matthew grabbed Clint’s jerkin.

“And why not? It worked in _Blazing Saddles_.” Samuel pointed out.

“That’s good.” Matthew admitted.

Everyone waved goodbye to the couple as they rode off to Loxley Hall on the rental horse bedecked with flowers and bearing a ‘Just Married’ sign over its rump, tin cans tied to its tail and dragging on the ground behind.

“So that’s the story, and it worked out good. King Xavier’s on his throne and Steve’s back in the hood. So let’s bid our friends a fond adieu, and hope we meet again in _Steve Rogers II_.”

\---

“Bucky. Bucky. Bucky, wake up.”

“Hm? Helicopter! What?” Bucky blinked and rubbed his eyes. On the tv, credits were rolling as a cheesy song was sung.

“You slept through the whole movie.” Steve was looking at him in that fond way of his.

“I had the weirdest dream, Steve. You were there, and I was there, and so was Thor and Clint and Nat, Sam and Stark’s son and…Matt Murdock…”

“Alright Dorothy, the Wicked Witch isn’t gonna get’cha.” Steve was up and to the fridge, a water bottle in hand, which he brought back to the couch with him. “Here, drink this. Maybe the next movie we watch, I’ll be the one having a dream about it.”

“Yeah, you wish.” Bucky cracked the water bottle open and took a sip. “The next movie we’re watching is _Holy Grail_.”


End file.
